Forever Yours on My Birthday

Phil was an amazing man who was dying from a very slow and demanding cancer that he had been dealing with for many years. Both pragmatic and deeply spiritual he knew his life was soon to end and he didn’t want to miss his own funeral. He had attended the end of life celebrations for many people and realized they were always wonderful, affirming events simply too good for the deceased to miss. So with the help of his family he threw his memorial party just two weeks before he died and he let himself receive great love.

My Joyous Heart by Gayle MadisonOver two hundred of us came to the potluck meal and stood in a long line waiting to talk to Phil in groups of two or three. He sat on a sagging couch at the front of the hall and his bright attention and interest in every person shone out of his ravaged body. He was almost Essential Phil at that point with his Soul brimming over and masking the ways the cancer had finally eaten through his skin and taken away his sturdy masculine strength, leaving him a shadow of his former self.

An open mic was set up so people could share memories and make public declarations of love and appreciation for Phil. And then it was his turn to sing his song to us, which he dedicated to his beautiful and beloved wife Ruth Ann. Holding his guitar he played and sang from his chair and simultaneously from somewhere far away, “What Have I done to Deserve Your Love?”

The expressions of love and gratitude that day were so pure that the energetic field of the room vibrated with Truth. There seemed to be more light in the room than simple daylight and electric light bulbs could create. The catered tubs of pasta, the potluck offerings and soft drinks tasted especially delicious. Everyone knew we were there to say goodbye to Phil yet there was no sadness present, only gratitude. It was an extraordinary experience.

When my heart brims full with gratitude it starts to overflow with an aching that feels like the head waters of prayer. It is the moment when words no longer contain the fullness of my experience and I tumble head over heels into the arms of Divine Reality. I know in those moments that feelings aren’t “my feelings” but that I’m plugged into a fire hose of intelligent Love and Gratitude that knows itself in my love and gratitude while it is much bigger than me.

Phil’s opacity allowed the great love expressed by two hundred people that day to move through him and into the receptive container around him. It filled the room and all of us felt nourished. He didn’t need to hold on to the love, rather, he allowed it to flow through him and bless the Universe. We all received the love that was being mirrored for Phil while he received a reflection of the love he had always been and will continue to be, his death changes nothing. We saw how we are all part of the same love which was the vibrating Truth.

Phil is on my mind today because he inspired me to have a 65^th birthday and retirement party recently to let myself be loved. Fifty people came to celebrate with me. As I watched my friends on our terrace talking, laughing, eating and having a good time I pondered the question Phil sang about, “What have I done to deserve your love?”  Gratitude brimmed over the container of my heart and I heard the answer like an antiphonal chant, “Nothing, there is nothing you have to do to deserve this love. It belongs to you and to everyone so just enjoy! It is forever yours.”

Copyright © 2013 Gayle Madison