Hollywood, Brad Pitt and Me

I’ve received some very exciting news, actually a sure thing, in a voicemail from my publisher. My publisher wants to prepare my book for Hollywood, thus making a substantial investment in me and my book. I kid you not. The message didn’t happen to say which book, however. I’ve published three books – OK, self-published three books – Notes from 39,000 Feet, Alien Love or Thank You Alpha Centauri, and Dis-Ease: Living with Prostate Cancer. Which reminds me, I’m also the proud owner of my very own Amazon Author’s Page. Amazon encourages me to tell everyone about my page in order to increase my sales. So, if you are of a mind to increase my sales simply click here. However, I digress. Hollywood. 

Notes is a collection of reflections and essays on my international travels, so I suspect it is not the book my publisher is wanting to take to Hollywood. Dis-Ease...well, it’s  self-evident what that’s about and trust me it would not make a great movie – though now that I think about it, it could make a great play for the theater. Anyway, I’m assuming Alien Love must be the book my publisher was referring to, and it makes sense. Alien Love is a story about the nature of identity and enduring love set in an undisclosed future of Meisner automobiles, Chinese hegemony, colonies on Mars and the Moon and a migration to Alpha Centauri. Oh, and it takes place in an institution for the differently sane. (My wife claims I set the story in the future so I could rant about George W. Bush in a particular way, but there is no veracity to this libellous accusation. Besides I only ranted about W on two or three occasions.)

Upon listening to the voicemail, I immediately began thinking about who should star in my movie. I have decided that Brad Pitt will  play Pepi. Brad Pitt is Pepito Pusinka Russell. That’s pretty much a deal breaker. As for Dr. Gladstone, I’m partial to Kevin Spacey, though I would consider Edward Norton. As for the part of Laura, it goes we without saying, Sandra Bullock, or if she is not available, which seems highly unlikely – I mean a part in Alien Love is on offer! – I could go with Charlize Theron. Admittedly the part of Laura needs to be expanded and I’ve already begun writing. I’m thinking sex, definitely sex. As for the director, it’s a no-brainer. J. J. Adams will have to be called in. I will, however, bow to expert opinion about who is best to write the screen play, but I will, of course, be named in the writing credits. I definitely will assist whoever is chosen.

My wife, never one to discourage me, was, nonetheless, sceptical and asked how much it would cost us for my publisher to invest in my book. When I asked in return how one could put a price on such an opportunity, she said try. She also said it was fortunate I was a mature author and thus would not be taken in by an absurd sales pitch. Indeed. She had not heard my publisher’s tone of voice - the sincerity, professionalism and urgency. However, at this point in our conversation, not having shared with her my plans for the film, I simply and quietly nodded my head. Imagine, she said, if I were young, hopeful and naïve. It could be heart-breaking. Most certainly it could. And apparently expensive.

My wife, forever my faithful companion, asked if I had called my publisher back. I had not, being a bit busy planning the movie and checking flights to Hollywood. She suggested that I wait for my publisher to call me again, for surely he would given his desire to invest in a sure thing like Alien Love the Movie. Fair enough, I agreed. I’ll wait, I said, making a metal note to check that my diary was free at Oscar time.

So here I sit watching TV, my mobile phone charged and at my side. Any minute now.

Copyright © 2013 Dale Rominger