How I Can Fix Football! ~ Well, a Part of Football (There’s No Fixing FIFA)

Since the whole world loves football (soccer) I thought I’d try and watch as many World Cup matches as possible this time around. If truth be told, I hate football. It’s utterly boring. I mean, how can a game that ends 0-0 after 90 minutes (!!!) be exciting? You can’t make the game shorter because then most matches would end 0-0. There’s fraudulent behaviour on and off the field. Players diving trying to defraud their opponents. FIFA officials making big bucks. Racism and gay bigotry on the pitch and in the stands.

I wrote on Facebook:

As some of you know, I'm no great fan of football, though I am trying given most everyone else is. Anyway, some observations thus far. First, and obviously, I wouldn't last 30 seconds in a match. Second, occasionally footballers are injured. Third, footballers have absolutely no shame. Watching them falling to the ground and rolling around in feigned pain is both humorous and embarrassing. Don't they know we're watching in super slow-mo? If they're not faking, then fourth, the average footballer wouldn't last 30 seconds on a rugby field.

Off the field, FIFA is so dishonorable it is a wonder national teams don’t all get up and go. I guess money does indeed talks, and plays football too. (Brazil spent over $300 million on a stadium, built in an area with no major football club, which will host only four World Cup matches.)

Anyway, I can fix football, or at least the fraudulent behavior of the players. Here’s how.

When a player falls to the ground he will have fifteen seconds to get up and continue playing (it should be ten seconds but I’m feeling generous). If he does not get up in fifteen seconds he will be removed from the field for fifteen minutes for medical treatment. During this fifteen minutes he cannot be substituted by another player. If the same player goes down again and cannot get up in fifteen seconds, he will be taken off the field to receive medical care for twenty-five minutes. Again no substitution. If the same player goes down a third time and cannot get up in fifteen seconds, he will be removed from the match for his own protection. At this point a substitution will be allowed.

I figure this would solve the diving problem and the rolling around on the ground as if a career ending injury has just occurred. How to stop most everyone in FIFA from immoral and fraudulent behavior, well that’s another matter.

While football is bad, English football is terrible. You have to feel for old England. They are simply not competitive, though in each and every international tournament everyone has to claim they can actually win. Everyone knows they can’t, but football was invented (do we invent sports?) in England so they have to keep saying they are the best. It’s sad really, that burden. I mean the national teams for, say, Ghana and the United States are not shackled with that burden. They would never claim they had a chance of winning. No need to. I wonder how many years need to pass before this burden of false expectations can be lifted. 50 years? 100 years?

Each time they lose, and boy did they lose this year – England was out of the World Cup before some other teams had played their second match. Anyway, each time they lose the media, and I suspect most people in pubs and offices, try to explain it away. I would guess they lose because the England players and manager are not good enough. This year the England team took 72 back-up staff to Brazil, including a turf expert and a psychologist. It was planned like a military operation. No expense denied. And they lost their first two matches.

Here’s a thought: The English Premier League does not exist to provide England with a national team. Last I read, 66% of Premier League players are from foreign parts. That leaves only 34% of positions for English footballers. Of the twenty Premier League clubs, thirteen managers were born outside of England. And thirteen Premier League owners are foreigners. None of these people, the foreign players, managers and owners, have any interest in nurturing top notch English players. Why should they?

It has been argued that it is good for English boys to play with the best in the world. Well, the proof is in the pudding. If that were true the national team would be doing a lot better. No, the English Premier League is a great international league. People in England can watch many of the best players from around the world. They just need to stop thinking that the England national team is going to win anything.

Copyright © 2014 Dale Rominger