Down the Aisle

Our son is getting married next month, and my husband and I are co-officiating.  No surprise then, that as I wondered what I would write this week about walking, I recalled that special, once (or twice) in a lifetime walk we take, down the aisle.

If you think about all the walks you’ve taken in your life, walking down the aisle at the beginning of your wedding, while brief, may be one of the most memorable walks of your whole life.

Let’s compare walking down the aisle with other walks or runs we take, and let’s “walk through” some of the steps on this significant stroll.

By “walking down the aisle” I mean whatever way you arrived at the place you made your promises, literal aisle or not, church building or not.  How did each of you get to the place where you said your vows?

Having the bride and groom come into the service from two different directions and then standing together at the altar is a symbolic way of showing that, while they have lived up until now separate lives, now they commit to shaping a shared life.

Traditionally the bride makes a dramatic processional entrance that’s a combination of a fashion show catwalk and a flashbulb press conference.  As Brides.com says, to the bride, “Your walk down the aisle is the most epic, most photographed, most significant brief walk of your life.”

The groom, on the other hand, skulks in from the side and stands there waiting while everyone looks at the bride.  I’ve always found this disparity disconcerting.  Why have the groom sneak in the side door unceremoniously and the bride get all the fanfare?

I went to an outdoor wedding in the country once where chairs were set up in a field and various friendly people welcomed us, but the bride and groom were nowhere to be seen.  Suddenly there was a little buzz in the crowd, and people pointed up the hill, and there, walking arm in arm, strode the happy couple, arriving from some distant point out of sight, and coming together to the ceremony that united them.  They had taken a long walk, together, before even walking down the aisle.

When I celebrate weddings I try to encourage couples to pay attention to the patriarchal symbolism in much of the traditional service and realize they have lots of modern choices.  Beginning with how they begin.  This is not a property exchange, a transfer of ownership of bride from father to husband.  Both members of the couple can come down the aisle together, if they like, as my outdoor wedding story, since they have actually been together for some time already.  Or each come down the aisle one at a time, both on the arms of both or many parents.

For gay and lesbian couples it is sometimes easier to overcome these binding traditions and equalize the symbolism.  Not always - traditional roles associated with genders still prevail.  But there is often more of an openness to make the ceremony personal and real.

Let me offer some other training advice, having officiated at hundreds of weddings:

-Practice, practice, practice.  Practice walking down the aisle or however you are going to arrive.  We don’t do these slow walks very often, in new shoes, a long dress or new suit, with everyone looking us.  Try it out.  Like doing a pre-run of a marathon the week before.  Actually marriage is sort of a marathon.  It’s good to pace yourself, and remember you need to be in shape to hang in for the long haul.  (And in my experience, there really is such a thing as the runner’s high kicking in about half way in.)

-In the wedding rehearsal, practice leaving the altar first, and only then practice coming in, recessional before processional. I learned this odd training style, sort of like running backwards to practice agility, from wedding march coach extraordinaire Donna Hook, who coordinated the weddings at a church I served where we did 80 weddings a year.

Start the rehearsal with the whole wedding party standing in front, lined up as if the wedding were just about to begin.  Then practice the recessional, going out.  Only then practice coming back in, the long walk.

Coach Donna gave me these training words that I repeated to many a wedding party: “If you know where you’re headed, you’re more likely to end up there.” 

Sort of like the way some coaches say to visualize the whole race in your mind, especially the finish line.  If you know the point at which you will stop, and in this slow race, turn and face each other, you can figure out how to pace yourself to get there. Maybe a better analogy is practicing getting a good start out of the gate.  Racers practice that a lot.

-I always tell couples to take their time coming down the aisle, it actually isn’t a race.  But an Anglican priest I knew who was serving an American church said that the ponderous processionals drove him crazy.  He said the British tradition is for the priest to walk fast with the couple straight to the altar – is that true?

-We never walk or run alone.  Your friends and family on either side of the aisle are like the cheering crowds that make a huge difference for any walker or runner. Keep going, you can do it!   But in my services I point out that these folks actually are not mere spectators.  They have a promise to make as well, and I ask them to promise to love and support the couple, honor their commitment to each other, and never come between them.  If so, please say with feeling, we will.  So they are more like part of your running team.

Thanks for hearing me out.  That helped me prep and practice a bit for Owen and Sophie’s wedding next month.  They are not especially religious, and are being married in her parents’ New York City apartment, where we will fashion some kind of aisle for the 15 or so guests to line.  But I might just hum to myself the old Christian spiritual:

“Guide my feet, while I run this race.  For I don’t want to run this race in vain.”

Copyright © 2017 Deborah Streeter